“A kiss about apple pie a la mode with the vanilla creaminess melting in the pie heat. A kiss about chocolate, when you haven’t eaten chocolate in a year. A kiss about palm trees speeding by, trailing pink clouds when you drive down the Strip sizzling with champagne. A kiss about spotlights fanning the sky and the swollen sea spilling like tears all over your legs.”—
-weetzie bat, by francesca lia block
the book that made me realize i was going to move to los angeles 16 years before i ever moved to los angeles
30 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR AT THANKSGIVING TIME A MERE MONTH BEFORE I TURN 30 YEARS OLD BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT PART OF THIS LIST
I wrote this list for my stand-up show, Gallows Humor, so some of the thanks require voicemails that I cannot play here, but rest assured it made the piece more alive and use that wince of regret about not having attended the show and thus having heard the voicemails to fuel you into coming to the NEXT one!
ONWARDS, TO THE THANKS:
I am grateful that my dog has obsessive compulsive disorder because it is a twice-daily comedy show to watch him turn around in 95 concentric circles before he makes a dood.
I am grateful for Mandy Patinkin’s beautiful rosy soft cheeks, that are just beggin’ for a kissin’.
I’m grateful that my father thinks I’m more jewish than I actually am (play voicemail in which he references a kosher Turkey).
On the same token, I’m grateful that when I was 11 years old I got cast as the non-jewish best friend in a movie about channukah because I had blonde hair and while waiting to shoot a scene I had to listen to the non-jewish girl with dark hair who got hired to play the jewish girl LEAD get taught the channukah prayer, which is exactly how I learned how to do the channukah prayer and still know to this day.
I’m grateful that my spinning instructor is foreign and this is the only reason I can think of that he yelled out today “WORK HARDER, YOU’RE GOING TO BE EATING FRENCH FRIES TOMORROW AT THANKSGIVING DINNER!!”
I’m grateful that today I got to watch a man in lime green elf loafers and a chartreuse jacket be in an argument on the side of the road today and I didn’t have to apologize to either of them.
I’m grateful that I know the word chartreuse from when I read Judy Blume’s “Just as Long As We’re Together” because it was the color of Jeremy Dragon’s jacket, does anyone else here know what I’m talking about because if you do we are forever bound together by this miniscule reference and I’m thankful for that too—!
I’m thankful that there is a discount fashion website I’ve recently happened upon which must ship from Asia because it has a dress for sale called the LIVERTY DRESS. L I V E R T Y. The description is even better: ”You don’t need to cry out loud cause this dress will speaks for you. Go out for a sport day!”
I’m thankful that I live in a country where I have freedom. Freedom to take a small to medium-sized pumpkin that is on-sale because we are honestly in the waning of interest in buying decorative squash phase of the year, take it to a mostly abandoned local playground, place it in the toddler-sized swing, and swing it to and fro, like so, just like so, maybe humming to myself, maybe not, maybe thinking about how my friend with my exact same name is about to have a child and my conflicted feelings about whether or not I want children of my own and where my career is versus where my fertility is on a mathematical grid or pie scale or whatever it IS that to image the notion of CONFUSED FERTILITY. All that versus how many times my mom has requested that I freeze my eggs in the past year. Add on to that how GRATEFUL I am that none of those times has she referenced any Kardashians. Back to the pumpkin in the swing. What a country, you guys, what a country we live in.
I’m grateful to Trader Joe’s for constantly being a source of education. It teaches me about my fears of abandonment – namely the chocolate covered chili dried mangoes of 2011, my fear of the potato lentil curl leaving. It teaches me about continual and repeated meaningful encounters with strangers. It teaches me about the impossibility to get through a bag of avocadoes without 2 of them rotting first. So many lessons. Thank you, Trader Joe’s.
I’m thankful that both of my dogs like ME best. Whether or not that’s the truth doesn’t matter because today of all days we learn that HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS and I’m the one with the microphone so I’m super grateful that Seymour, Mabel, both of you love me more than you love your dad.
I’m thankful for Gwyneth Paltrow. That obviously needs no explanation.
I’m thankful that I when I told my friend I was going to list 30 things I’m grateful for she said that was a lot of things and it made me second-guess how long this list was going to be and whether or not people would actually be interested because I am always very fearful of disappointing people, especially this audience, but it also made me realize I can be GRATEFUL for my own tenacity so here we go onto the next thing.
I’m thankful for voicemails like these to remind myself that I can ALWAYS LET MY PHONE GO TO VOICEMAIL. (threatening voicemail from my auto insurance company, demanding to be paid.) I’m also grateful for other voicemails like these, to remind myself that I can always let my phone go to voicemail. (my mom telling me to wake up because “it’s monday.”)
16-18. I’m grateful for Amazon reviews of vibrators. Most specifically, these:
THIS DILDO FILLS MY EVERY NEED AND DESIRE AND I RENAMED IT RUSSELL. I try to use this product at least once a day on my commute to work I would recommend anyone who travels on the chunnel to experience this.
'External use only', they said. 'Challenge accepted!' I said. That was a hospital visit I'd rather not repeat. Sin in haste, repent in leisure.
I remember stories of how the doctors in the Puritan times used to cure women of their ‘hysterics’ by using female massagers. Let me say I’m so glad this practice has moved to the home. Cuz if I had to pay a doctor every time I wanted to use my new Pamiva, I’d go broke. This thing is waterproof and wireless! My favorite combination! Plus it’s pretty quiet too, which is important when you’re sneaking off to relieve your own hysterics in the middle of a rough day.
20. I’m grateful that when I do bikram yoga, and an anorexic girl gets behind me, and in the mirror, it looks like a solar eclipse happens as her body completely disappears behind me and I do NOT freak out because I realize that it is not healthy to freak out about corporeal eclipses in a yoga class and that all bodies are different and that is okay.
21. I’m grateful that the capital of Slovenia is LJUBLJANA.
22. I’m grateful that the WEST VIRGINIA state motto is “WILD AND WONDERFUL.” And that I just learned that recently because it is on a license plate and you know when you look at a license plate and sort of read the motto to yourself, like ILLINOIS, LAND OF LINCOLN or whatever but there are probably the most west Virginia cars in west Virginia so at any given moment, literally hundreds of women in a gentle southern accent are saying to themselves “WILD AND WONDERFUL” in their heads. IF THAT’S NOT WILD AND WONDERFUL AND SOMETHING WORTHY OF THANKS THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
23. I’m grateful to the NaNoWriMo Ddaily emails as a daily reminder that I consistently sign up for more shit than I’m capable of doing and also to continually be disappointed into the breadth of my own output.
24. I’m grateful that I drive around this goddamn city with a dopey pink mustache on my car so that I can make my own hours and also because of this job I no longer need to challenge myself to find a way to face a fear every single day because I am literally inviting strangers into my car several times a day AND offering them candy so I am now exactly what I was warned against as a child?
25. I am grateful to Vlad the Retailer.
26. I am grateful for my co-host, Brittany Fields.
27. I am grateful that Guisados tacos exists and I can have them 3 times a week if I want to and I do want to so I do do that.
28. I am grateful for this audience.
29. I am grateful that I am with a guy who bakes pies in order to relax.
30. I’m thankful that my mom has already made me turning 30 about her so that I actually don’t have to do it myself.
I’m thankful for everything that happened yesterday except for when a person who I thought was my friend told me that my shirt was designed by the two youngest Kardashian sisters.
RECLAIMING this slanderous post because when you reblog you remove the original tags so instead of “goodbyekira” the tag area says NOTHING which is exactly what I felt inside when I realized my friend is a Kardashian-wearing traitor friend, once the searing disappointment wore off
Souls like the wheels Turning, taking us with wind at our heels Burning, making us decide on what we’re giving Change this way of living
One little song Give me strength to the leave the sad and the wrong Bury safely in the past where I’ve been living Alive but unforgiving Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
One little girl Bring me light from where I thought it was dark Be the spark that has a chance to light a candle Love that I can handle Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
Souls like the wings Spreading out away from bad memories Make us capable of taking off and landing Alive with understanding Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
“When people talk listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen. Nor do they observe. You should be able to go into a room and when you come out know everything that you saw there and not only that. If that room gave you any feeling you should know exactly what it was that gave you that feeling. Try that for practice. When you’re in town stand outside the theatre and see how the people differ in the way they get out of taxis or motor cars. There are a thousand ways to practice. And always think of other people.”—
I am rarely plagued with self-consciousness when praising others. As a creative person, or not, i think it’s delightful from one heart to the next to do something small, such as compliment a stranger’s style or eye color or haircut or voice, or something big, such as approach an artist of any type after a show or a gig or a screening and say “hey, i really loved what you did. you created something that moved me!! thank you!!”
it’s a token of gratitude from one stranger to another that i of course love receiving and absolutely love giving.
i’ve held back from doing this, recently, because i’ve noticed that many creative people (especially in the stand-up community, one of the creative communities i sometimes swim in) and even just strangers, don’t know how to receive these compliments. they’re often met with weird blank looks, or a curt “thanks” without consideration to a further conversation or rapport, or sometimes absolutely no response at all.
i’ve been met with this kind of a response to compliments or praise that i’ve okay, sometimes even given in a DOPEY matter, my eyes probably all big and wild and my voice high and talking fast and making too much eye contact maybe?? but still, it’s been given, and received the above so often that recently i’ve found myself not going there anymore.
something i love about a stranger will strike me and i won’t say it. i’ve become inhibited by a continuous rolodex of uncomfortable moments in the wake of praise.
but today, i found someone online that i loved, and maybe it’s the bikram yoga that i did this morning, or the way my dog just came out from underneath the covers with the sheet still covering his ears as he stared at me like a blonde furry Bedouin tribesman, inquisitive, or maybe it’s the gingerbread coffee i’m lucky enough to keep in stock and brew in my home in the mornings to caffeinate and chase the dull grey november sky away, but this morning, when i came across an artist online that moved me so deeply, i thought HEY, ENOUGH OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just because some people don’t know how to receive praise in a way that makes ME comfortable does not mean that I should stop giving it, because maybe hours later, it hits them and they take it away and feel good, and that’s what this is all about. they made me feel good with their creative output/cool style/whatever the fuck i notice, so the good vibes train of complimenting someone, hugging them with your mouth words, mustn’t be halted any longer!
So, this is me, pulling out of the station of disquietude with the responses of others, and promising you and me and everyone in between us to continue on unfettered by what a stranger is putting out, because as a wise lady once said to an audience i was in, you never know WHAT is going on in someone else’s life, or in their brain at that moment. I can only control what’s going on in mine, and I think a healthy amount of sincere praise makes the world turn in a jauntier way.